Yet another soggy day

Breakfast - Oatmeal
Lunch - Leftoever Hamburger Helper

So I have been getting things around in order to apply for graduate school. I have decided to apply to the following schools, which have these deadlines:

The University of Virginia..................................... December 1, 2007
The University of Georgia..................................... January 1, 2008
Bowling Green State University............................ January 1, 2008
Michigan State University.................................... December 27, 2007
University of Arizona........................................... November 1, 2007
Indiana University............................................... January 15, 2008
University of Florida............................................ November 1, 2007

Bowling Green State University is really just my backup plan, though they seem to have a really good program and funding set up.

I sent letters to my professors today asking them to write my letters of recommendation, so the ball is rolling, as they say.

Soppy Monday

259

Breakfast: Oatmeal

So it is still raining, so I am not sure how that will affect going for my walk with Stacy today. I hope it brightens up before then.

I did absolutely nothing yesterday. Seriously. I slept until 11AM, then I watched TV and talked to Greg on the phone. I made tacos for lunch and had to go to the store to get sauce. Then, I watched TV the whole afternoon. Ate some of the taco stuff for dinner.

Later, Greg called, so while I was talking to him, I took a little walk, so that was kind of productive and he came over and watched a weird movie, Brother From another Planet with me. It was very slow paced, but interesting.

Anyway, this is going to be a very busy week. I have walking/trivia tonight. Tomorrow is the baseball game, wednesday is birthday activities and thursday is therapy. Things should actually be good.

Lazy Rainy Sunday

258.8

Breakfast - none
Lunch - 2 tacos 1 Reeses Klondike Bar
Dinner - Same as lunch

I had a lovely time last night going with Stacy and Dave to Whole Foods and IKEA. I really wasn't in the mood at the beginning, but it worked out.

Just wanted to log my food.... more tomorrow.

Samedi Stuff

Breakfast: Bacon Croissanwich, Hashbrowns
Lunch: Salad (Lettuce, turkey, cheese, bleu cheese dressing)

It has been a pretty busy morning. I got up before 7:00, did some laundry, watered the garden and ran around and did some errands. Not much to talk about right now. Just trying to decide what to do with the rest of the day.

Confidence Course

I found a confidence course on the BBC website of all places... so here goes the first offline exercise:

• Think about the ways in which greater confidence could be useful to you.



• Make a list of your five most important confidence aims.
• I want to sucessfully get the better of a bad habit.
• I want to be able to enter a room full of people and feel good about myself.
• I want to be able to feel like I make a good first impression.
• I want to be able to focus on my successes rather than my failures.
• I want to get more enjoyment out of social events where I meet new people.
  



• For each of these aims answer the following questions. (You might find it useful to print out our exercise sheet - click the link and then press 'control' and 'p' on your keyboard.)



• Why is this such an important aim?
If I am able to master my bad habits, I will not always feel so guilty about them.
It takes so much energy and causes so much anxiety when I worry about what other people think about me.
The first impression one makes determines the relationships, both professional and personal that are to follow an initial meeting.
Focusing on my successes gives me a reason to accept that I am worthy of my own respect.


• What makes achieving this aim difficult at the moment?
I don't feel like there is anything I can do to combat my current habits. I feel overwhelmed by them.
This is difficult because I think everyone is judging me based on my size. I really worry that people won't want to get to know me because of how I look.
Because of my weight and frumpy style of dress, I don't think my first impressions go over well at all, then I try too hard to win people over with my sense of humor.
I feel like my success is just luck and not a real reflection of who I am.


• What strengths do you have to help achieve this aim?
I like to plan and make lists.
I have the knowledge that most people are probably too interested in things other than me to take the time to judge me the way I am constantly judging myself.
I am actually an attractive person with an interesting personality.
I have done many interesting things and have attained a great deal of accomplishments.


• What direct action can you start taking to work towards this aim?
  I can put reminders in my calendar/website/blog.
  Work on accepting myself as I am, rather than some nebulous idea of what I think others are looking for.
  I can stop constantly putting myself in the other person's perspective. I shouldn't care what they are thinking about me on such a shallow level.
  I can give myself credit for my accomplishments and respect the effort I made to attain them.
  

How do you change your mind about someone?

This is a real challenge. I have to learn how to like myself, because I really don't.

People say you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else, but that can't be true. I love my Dad. I love my niece and nephews. In a weird way I love my Mom and Sister. I have loved boyfriends and I have been loved back. I have friends who must love me as they have been around for years despite my very lax correspondence.

However, I am guessing that by not loving myself, it makes me look to outside affirmation of my value. I imagine that has to be exhausting.

So... I have to start working on this. How? I mean, if I say anything nice about myself, I feel like I am being conceited. I don't want to come off as full of myself. If I can't say nice things about myself to other people and mean it, how can I convince myself of my good qualities?

Was I really confident at some point in my life and in the process of being taken down a peg by someone, I just fell all the way to the floor?

Self help books on confidence improvement just seem so goofy. When other people say nice things about me, I blush and do the "aww shucks" routine.

What is the right balance of confidence and humility? How do you get there?

My therapist says I am supposed to say something nice about myself everyday. However, I have a really hard time doing that.

So... here goes:

I have accomplished a great deal since going back to school. It takes a certain amount of bravery and tenacity to maintain the grades I have.

I am a faucet

263
Breakfast - BEC biscuit, hashbrowns
Lunch - Chef Salad
Dinner - Subway Sandwich and Baked Lays


No, that isn't some surrealist non-sequiter. I literally have become a faucet. I have been experiencing some serious crying jags during this cycle. Everything makes me well up. Anyway, therapy was good last night. Talked about lots o' stuff. Cried tons.

My birthday is on Wednesday. One question... why ask me what I want, if you are too busy to do anything about it? Should I have just asked for money?

Excited about Greg's plans for Tuesday. He is taking me to a Toledo Mudhens game. That should be really fun!

I need to wake up. I feel like I am trying to run in water.