jeudi, septembre 30, 2004

I usually get compliments for my headlights...

Breakfast - Bagel and yogurt
Lunch - Sandwich
Dinner - Sesame Chicken and Turtle Cheesecake

Last night on the way home from work, people kept flashing their headlights at me. I pulled over and sure enough, my passenger-side headlight was out. Today, Christian is going to help me fix it. Poor Christian lost his job yesterday. On one hand, that is good because he hated that job, on the other... well you already know what's on the other.

There's really nothing interesting to post yet today, aside from the fact that I was late getting to school due to construction and due to my own slowness this morning.

mercredi, septembre 29, 2004

General Funk-Ass Malaise

228 (after being 225 just Monday!)
Breakfast: Meijer Non Fat Yogurt, 110 calories
Lunch: Med Ice Cream from Cold Stone - Coconut Creme Pie
Dinner: Sandwich, Baked Doritos

I have been just BLAH the past 2-3 weeks. I hope the change in my school program helps, but it's been evident in my eating patterns that there has been something wrong with me. In short... I have gone off program. So, I've lost my abstinence. It wasn't really a binge so to speak... but I have not been following my program, so that makes me "off the wagon." As of today, I am trying to crawl back on. Therefore... here's today's food diary entry (which magically were not part of my past posts... hmmm???? Coincidence?)

I have to find a way to get back into the OA meetings. I keep saying I will go to online meetings, but that just hasn't happened. There is counseling here at school. Maybe I can get a standing appointment there. At least then I have to be accountable.

I can tell I'm coming off a sort of binge. My head is woozy. I am hungry. I feel like general crap. I want things like ice cream and salt & vinegar potato chips. Maybe I am pregnant. Oh wait.. that requires sex. Well then.. I am not pregnant... that plus I am just finishing my period. Yeah - I know - TMI.

Choir is cancelled today. Thank Goodness. I have a million errands to run. Tomorrow night is Maya Angelou with Marilyn.. YAY!

I feel like hibernating. It's so cold today! I need to get more sleep and I need to practice piano... it never ends! :)

mardi, septembre 28, 2004

Vive La France

I have officially sent in the request to change my major from Music Education to French Teaching. I spoke with my advisors and teachers, as well as Betty (my landlady - who is a teacher). I have been miserable these last couple of weeks. I am not loving my music classes as I should. Digging into the music is taking the beauty and emotion out of it for me. When have I been happy? When I have been in my French classes. Anyway... I am happy about the choice I made and I should actually get done with school within a decent amount of time now.

Yesterday, I got a very cool package from my Aunt Liz in Arizona. She sent me a bunch of pictures from when I was growing up. There were pictures of Steve, of Phil, even of Kenny. There were many from my girl scout adventures. I used to be pretty cute. ;) I will have to post some of them sometime.

samedi, septembre 25, 2004

The fucking dress, the flowers, and all that shit

I want it... not just the ceremony, but IT. I want to be married and have kids and the whole thing that my brain tells me I shouldn't want.

Yes.. I want the dress with the big ass skirt... I want to starve myself for a year just for this because I want to look BEE-FUCKING-YOU-TEA-FULL even if it is in the manner of the day and according to society, blah, blah, blah. More than a chance to wear a dress and have a big ass party where I get to see all the people I love at the same time... I want to feel strongly enough about another person to do this. I want to love someone, damn it... and I want them to love me back for all the great things that I am. Why is it so fucking complicated?

I want to have children.. I want to love them even when they hate me for making them do all the shit I hated doing as a kid.

I am 31 years old ... and everyone feels compelled to tell me that I am still young, yet. I think they do it so quickly because that's the OPPOSITE of what they really think.

That Ashley Girl

That Ashley Girl

This site was cracking me up today... Ashley, please ALWAYS use condoms :)

Sentimental Journey

For some reason, today, I am feeling nostalgic about the time I spent in Georgia (age 3 to 23). I think I am missing Steve, my one true love. :) Really... he was the one. I've never felt such a sincere connection with anyone else again in my life. What a shame that I had that at age 18-23, when I didn't know anything. I hate that I've never felt that way again.

Anyway.. that is depressing as hell... these are the things I love(d) or miss about Georgia:

  • Red Georgia Clay
  • Green Trees ALL YEAR LONG
  • Orchestra every Saturday morning
  • Building things out of scrap lumber at my Dad's house
  • Learning how to play football in the Cain's front yard
  • Watching Steve play ping pong with Larry at the Student Center
  • Working at the Haunted House for Sociology Club
  • Spending hours in Book-A-Million with Steve, together, even though we were in different parts of the store.
  • Waffle House in the wee hours of the morning after St. Patrick's Day
  • Lunches at Joe's Underground / Live Music there on the weekends with Keith Gregory
  • Singing at the ballpark after the games, just a guitar and piles of leftover, bready Pizza Hut
  • Trips to Athens to buy old books
  • Lakewood Ampitheatre - Iron Maiden - Queensryche - Van Halen
  • The Fox Theatre in Atlanta - Cats - Les Miserables - Phantom of the Opera
  • Auditioning for All State Chorus at UGA
  • Wearing my jeans backwards in 6th grade during honors assembly
  • Mr. Savory - 8th grade, playing "CANS" after school - the videos for Earth Science
  • Thanksgiving Eves on the RiverWalk with Brian speaking French
  • Learning to drive Matt's Mustang at Clark Hill
  • Clark Hill in general (first place Steve and I ... you know)
  • Long talks at the beer stand after baseball games
  • Playing pool with Jody and Steve
  • Playing chess with Jody and Steve
  • Savannah
  • Calverts
  • My first job at the movie theatre
  • Decorating cakes at Baskin Robbins
  • Holding hands with Mike French at My Fair Lady - senior year
  • Season Tickets to Opera/Ballet with Steve
  • Camping with Scott
  • Going to all the Minor League games across the South
  • Steve as the Easter Bunny, Sting and the Augusta College Jaguar
  • Riding bikes in Hephzibah
  • Kyoto

I know I can't live in the past... but it feels so much more real than my present. School is going pretty roughly. My schedule is incredibly hectic. It would all be so much easier to take if there were some hugs thrown in now and then. I am tired of being self reliant and not needing anyone. I know that now isn't the time to start a relationship, as I am still changing and growing... but that doesn't mean I don't sincerely miss it... and especially him.

samedi, septembre 18, 2004

Ebony and Ivory

Breakfast - PopTarts Lunch - Sandwich and Doritos

This weekend is "cram all my schoolwork into my brain" weekend. Since I moved from one section of Music Theory and Aural Skills to another, I have to do all the assignments that class has done since the beginning of school. The weird thing is, they didn't do the same exercises we did.... so I have a great deal of work to do. I am having a hard time with almost all of it, since it's all so brand new. Some things are starting to click while others are just hanging out in the atmosphere taunting me. Most are things that I need to memorize like key signatures and scales. Just a word of advice to anyone taking Music Theory, etc... who's primary instrument isn't piano.... Take Some Lessons! You have to be intimately aware of the piano keys. There are a zillion different kinds of scales. Depending on where you start and the form of the scale, there are so many different ways a scale can be played. (And you thought a scale went straight up and down.. HAH!)

Here are the main forms of scales:
Major Scale
Whole Step/Whole Step/Half Step/Whole Step/Whole Step/Whole Step/Half Step

Sounds easy enough, right? If you know which keys are next to which ones in the first place, sure it is

Here's a picture of piano keys - each white key is a note, so with this group, we start on C, then D, then E, F, G, A, B, C, .... A whole step is going from a note like C to D, because to take a half step would mean pressing the black key between them. Easy, right? Now... Look at the E and the F... there's no black key between them, they are RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER, and thus... a HALF STEP apart. So, on a C scale, you can still get your half steps in without pressing any black keys. But, what if you wanted to start on D instead? To make the same pattern, you press D, E, F#(black key), G, (whole whole half - see?) and then A, B, C#, D (The black key after C makes the "half" of "whole, whole, whole, half").

By moving over ONE key, we had to accomodate the shift in half steps by using 2 black keys.

Similiar variations appear depending on the key where you start. It doesn't make my brain hurt to know this, but just as I was getting comfortable with the fact I that I would have to memorize these scales, I realize that you can start on the black keys as well, making a scale from there, doubling the amount of stuff to hold in my noggin. Still not too bad....

Minor Scale
Now that's tricky... there's more than one form of minor scale!
Natural Minor Scale
Whole Step/Half Step/Whole Step/Whole Step/Half Step/Whole Step/Whole Step

Harmonic Minor Scale
Whole Step/Half Step/Whole Step/Whole Step/Half Step/Step and a Half/Whole Step

Melodic Minor Scale
Whole Step/Half Step/Whole Step/Whole Step/Whole Step/Whole Step/Half Step

Can you see why this might be a little overwhelming? This is just the tiniest part of the things I am cramming into my head at the moment. Don't let me get started on notation, meter, Scale Degrees, etc....

On the bright side, I am so excited that I am finally learning about all these things I've heard all my life, but didn't know what or WHY they were. Oh My Gosh... I am turning into a musician... I am so amazed.

mercredi, septembre 15, 2004

Visual Representation of my Gelatinous Shrinkage

I was able to change sections of Music Theory and Aural Skills and I am soooo excited about it. School doesn't seem nearly as overwhelming now.

OK... this is to help me get inspired and to feel excited about my program. There is a site where you can enter your measurements (height and weight) and create a Virtual Model of yourself, presumably to buy clothes online. I am using it a different way...

BMI Guidelines:
Underweight = <18.5>
Normal weight = 18.5-24.9
Overweight = 25-29.9
Obesity = >30

When I started program, I weighed 268 pounds and wore size 22 jeans... my models look like this:

BMI: 46 / 268 BMI: 44.6 /250 BMI: 38.6 / 225

Yay, I am just OBESE, I don't qualify for surgery anymore! And, I am down to a size 16 in jeans. (Real 16, not just the stretchy kind.)

My goal is 165, about 3 pounds lighter than I was in high school, and BMI: 28.3 (Still technically overweight!) or, And if I were to pay attention to those stupid insurance company charts who say I am supposed to weigh 130, I would look like this:

165 130

lundi, septembre 13, 2004

One is no longer the lonliest number...

Breakfast: Bacon/Egg/Cheese Biscuit and Hashbrown Lunch: Bagel, an Apple and Peanut Butter/Choc wafers Dinner: Salt/Vinegar Chips (such a healthy day... damn schedule - no time or place to get decent food!) and a Sandwich

At least not according to my Aural Skills professor. This is a ONE credit class. It requires 3 books and a software program. (Ca- ching! 200.00 please!) Check out this email he sent re: the time required to prepare for class FYI, SS means Sight Singing, ET means Ear Training:

Hi Everyone, Below you will find suggestions for practicing aural skills. These suggestions reflect what I have said in class as well as reinforces strategies listed in your course packet.

I suggest the following for daily practice on SS and ET:SS
1. A minimum of 30 minutes a day
2. Budget your time as follows:
a. 5 minutes on technical exercises (this applies to exercises I will introduce later in the semester)
b. 20 minutes on Berkowitz melodies
c. 5 minutes on any special melodies (e.g., Beatles) or ensemble music ET (not including MacGAMUT):
1. A minimum of 30 minutes a day
2. Here you¹re on your own. But I would strongly recommend that youconcentrate on those reas that you feel need strengthening. Briefly reviewthose areas that you feel strong on.

Practice on MacGAMUT consistently! It will help your ear training. You should also spend 5 minutes per day practicing your Starer rhythms. So35 minutes per day (30 minutes SS, 5
minutes on Starer) on SS/Rhythmpractice.VB

Oy! Now seems like the proper time to repost my current schedule:

7:30 Curves 9:00 Find a parking space 10:00 French 11:30 Keyboard Harmony 12:00 Functional Piano 1:00PM Lunch 2:00 Music Theory 4:00 Studio/Area 5:00 Work 9:00 Go Home and Go to BED

7:30 Curves 9:00 Find a parking space 10:00 French 11:00 Recitals 12:00 Lunch 2:00 Aural Skills 3:00 University Choir 5:00 French Club 7:00 Political Science 10:00 Go Home and Go to BED

7:30 Curves 9:00 Find a parking space 10:00 French 11:00 Lunch 12:00 Functional Piano 2:00 Music Theory 3:00 University Choir 4:00 GO HOME, HOMEWORK, LAUNDRY, CLEAN CAT BOX Thinking about going to Church during this evening.

7:30 Curves 8:30 Find a parking space 9:00 Voice Lesson 10:00 French 11:00 Lunch 12:00 Music Literature 2:00 Aural Skills 3:00 University Choir 5:00 Work 9:00 Go HOME, Go to BED

7:30 Curves 9:00 Find a parking space 10:00 French 11:00 Lunch 12:00 Functional Piano 2:00 Music Theory 3:00 Work 9:00 Go Home and go to BED.

9:00-5:00 WORK

9:00-5:00 WORK

dimanche, septembre 12, 2004


No idea... no scale
Breakfast - Pina Colada Yogurt Lunch - Tuna Sandwich (Ew) and Baked Doritos Dinner - Subway

Last night was great! The show was good, aside from some minor audio system issues. The seats were FABULOUS! Way to go, Forrest... what an awesome suprise! Forrest looked very handsome in his Black Givinchy suit with silver/gray shirt and tie. I felt equally fabulous in my black satin and white dress. When you pay that much for seats, (not that I did) you hate to say anything bad about a play. However, I tend to agree with this reviewer and said as much to Forrest last night: Michigan Daily Online

We went back to his house and watched the latest Real Time with Bill Maher. Jason Alexander was on and said some really fantastic things, pay attention to the part I made bold:

"No president is going to go, 'I think we can back off. We're okay now. We don't need to...' We will have, for the rest of our lifetimes, the best-equipped, strongest military in the world. We do not have to worry about how to win this war. We can win battles. We can't win peace with this president... You are dealing with an enemy that works absolutely out of terror. And I don't mean terrorism. Terror. They fear that our existence is going to encroach on their culture, their religion, their way of life, and they are striking out... and they have nothing to lose..." ; they're going to fight battle after battle after battle; they're going to kill us; they're going to do what they just did, and take schools and blow up children. And then we're going to go in and bomb the crap out of them. And we're not going to win the war." – Jason Alexander

I think that's one of the smartest things I've heard all year.

I watched some of "OutFoxed" last night as well... interesting, but tons of the same stuff over and over. We KNOW Rupert Murdoch uses his media holdings for personal gain and propaganda toward his own political beliefs. Anyone who needs to be convinced otherwise wouldn't watch the documentary anyway... it's kind of pointless to beat it to death if there isn't anyone listening. I went to their website and they have some interesting stuff. I like that a bunch of punk bands got together and made an album to raise funds. How often do you see punk bands actually DOING something politcal instead of just whining about it?

Nice Public Service announcement in Flash, courtesy of Mark, a fellow blogger: Remember

Are you a swing voter and in need of help deciding which candidate is for you? Take this little quiz. This was how my quiz turned out:

1. Kerry
Score: 84%

Party: Democrat
Has Held Elected Office
Served in the Military

2. Bush
Score: 7%

Party: Republican
Has Held Elected Office
Served in the Military

What a girl wants... (if you can still be called a girl at age 31)

breakfast - banana nut muffin lunch - sandwich and baked doritos Dinner - Subway

The plateau has broken!!! Oh Happy Day!

Yesterday I was sitting in class and starting writing a wish list for when I decide to date again.

(Reference to awful online conversation with
Forrest last night supressed - not that he reads my blog anyway.)

OK.. the list so far:

    1. Appreciation for music; understands (theory) and plays music.
    2. Willing to communicate. Does not dismiss my need to communicate as "freaking out" or "hysterics."
    3. Supports my personal goals, regardless of understanding them. Willing to accept equal support. Doesn't need to do everything "on their own." (Knows when to ask for help or encouragement - doesn't make me feel bad for wanting/needing encouragement, myself)
    4. Has their own interests aside from those we may have in common.
    5. Respects my spirituality, as I respect whatever choice they make in that regard.
    6. Taller than me. (I know... so shallow!)
    7. Sensitive to my dietary needs. Understands the reason for my rigidity in that regard.
    8. Curiosity about the world, other cultures, likes travel, possibly languages. Will not make me feel bad about my Francophonic tendencies.
    9. Enjoys social gatherings and is comfortable meeting my friends/family/coworkers
    10. Wants a committed, monogamous relationship leading to possible co-habitation/children, possibly marriage depending on a number of factors
    11. Gets British humor ;)
    12. Tolerates cats
    13. Is not boorish
    14. Likes and gives affection in moderation. (No making out in public, etc...)

OK.. that's enough of that for now. I should make my sandwich for lunch! Only 3 more hours of work, then I go to Forrest's to get ready for Camelot. Someday I will work out how I feel about him, but for now... my tummy is in charge.

Holy Shit... Margaret Cho is on the same diet I am: The FuckIt Diet

vendredi, septembre 10, 2004

Mr Peanut grows some balls (and I give up my access to any)

Breakfast - Yogurt Lunch - Sandwich and Baked Ruffles Dinner - Salt/Vinegar Chips and a Twix (How Awful, vending machine dinner!)

Not much time to post (not that there ever is!), but I wanted to get on here for a second between classes just to post most recent weight and events.

Test results were HPV and I need to make an appt for a biopsy to be sure I don't have cervical cancer. I suppose while I am there, I should have this lump checked out. I think it's an ingrown hair, but it's rather large (under the skin) and I can't seem to see the offending hair. I am probably just concerned due to recent news, but one can never be too safe, right?

Dinner last night with Marilyn and Stacy - fun, as always. Next Thursday, go to see "Without a Paddle" with Marilyn, as Stacy will be out of town.

School is going very well, though my schedule is a bit overwhelming. I have some things to add, and I think I will do that at work tonight or tomorrow, as well as write more here. I have to get going, as at 2PM I have a notation assignment due for Music Theory, and I messed up my original sheet and had to print off staff paper to do it all over again. More later...

I am at work. Was able to knock out some scheduling issues. The people I work for are so amazing and flexible!!

Tomorrow night, I am going to see Camelot with Forrest. Got a great dress that I am looking forward to wearing.

I have met some really great people at school. I love that they all think I am in my 20's. (22 has been the highest guess so far... but this is from 17 year olds, they probably think 30 is death.)

I was listening to NPR today and there is this man who started a business called "Homeboy Industries." It's a T shirt company, but they employ and train former gang members. They have a facility that will remove gang tatoos and then they help them find jobs with other companies. It was so interesting to listen to the changes in the people who come to him for help. He is actually a priest (I think), but refuses to force religion on the people in the program. He says that being close to God is living the ideas expressed by Jesus (he's obviously Christian), not pointing out those ideas to others. He said there is a Zen expression about how pointing to the moon doesn't bring you to it. All in all, I was impressed and moved by this man's work. It was hard for me to leave the car to go back to class, rather to do an assignment that was due in class a few hours later. When I am feeling disconnected from my Higher Power, something like this happens. I need these reminders when I get all wrapped up and overwhelmed by my school and work schedule.

Best of luck to Darren in his unpalatable task this weekend... he knows what I am talking about.

I hope Marilyn enjoys the movies with her new best friend, Clingy Girl, on Saturday.

As soon as I finish my schedule update, I will try to post it on the main page of my website. However, who knows when that may be, as I am working all weekend in addition to going to see Camelot.

I saw this on another person's blog, I wonder if it really was written by him:

Jimmy Carter: A Man of Character and Grace Writes to Zell

The text of a letter former President Carter sent to Zell Miller over the weekend ...

You seem to have forgotten that loyal Democrats elected you as mayor and as state senator. Loyal Democrats, including members of my family and me, elected you as lieutenant governor and as governor. It was a loyal Democrat, Lester Maddox, who assigned you to high positions in the state government when you were out of office. It was a loyal Democrat, Roy Barnes, who appointed you as U.S. Senator when you were out of office. By your historically unprecedented disloyalty, you have betrayed our trust.Great Georgia Democrats who served in the past, including Walter George, Richard Russell, Herman Talmadge, and Sam Nunn disagreed strongly with the policies of Franklin Roosevelt, Harry Truman, John Kennedy, Lyndon Johnson, and me, but they remained loyal to the party in which they gained their public office. Other Democrats, because of philosophical differences or the race issue, like Bo Callaway and Strom Thurmond, at least had the decency to become Republicans.Everyone knows that you were chosen to speak at the Republican Convention because of your being a “Democrat,” and it’s quite possible that your rabid and mean-spirited speech damaged our party and paid the Republicans some transient dividends.Perhaps more troublesome of all is seeing you adopt an established and very effective Republican campaign technique of destroying the character of opponents by wild and false allegations. The Bush campaign’s personal attacks on the character of John McCain in South Carolina in 2000 was a vivid example. The claim that war hero Max Cleland was a disloyal American and an ally of Osama bin Laden should have given you pause, but you have joined in this ploy by your bizarre claims that another war hero, John Kerry, would not defend the security of our nation except with spitballs. This
is the same man whom you described previously as “one of this nation's authentic
heroes, one of this party's best-known and greatest leaders -- and a good friend.")I, myself, never claimed to have been a war hero, but I served in the navy from 1942 to 1953, and, as president, greatly strengthened our military forces and protected our nation and its interests in every way. I don’t believe this warrants your referring to me as a pacificist.Zell, I have known you for forty-two years and have, in the past, respected you as a trustworthy political leader and a personal friend. But now, there are many of us loyal Democrats who feel uncomfortable in seeing that you have chosen the rich over the poor, unilateral preemptive war over a strong nation united with others for peace, lies and obfuscation over the truth, and the political technique of personal character assassination as a way to win elections or to garner a few moments of applause. These are not the characteristics of great Democrats whose legacy you and I have inherited.

Jimmy Carter

What happens if you type: worst president ever into Google?

dimanche, septembre 05, 2004

All I have to fear... is everything

Breakfast - 2 twinkies (300 calories, what am I thinking?) Lunch - Sandwich (bread, cheese, ham, mustard - lettuce can't hack being packed for this long) Dinner -

I haven't gone off plan (3 meals a day w/ nothing in between and no food from anywhere with a drive through), but I haven't been exercising as much as I used to. I am just not feeling great in general. I think it's all the change lately. I started college, (at age 31) where I am taking 17 credit hours, on Wednesday. Everything is really really expensive. I started working 28 hours a week (2 days a week and Sat/Sun). So I suppose I am stressed out by the change. I have been at the same weight for over a month, so that kind of makes me sad.
Obviously, it's better than gaining, so I am looking at the bright side. I've got to get better about my journaling. With things being so busy, it seems to fall to the wayside.

Yesterday, I was at work and had a voicemail. It was my OB/GYN's office. I'd had my yearly exam in July before my insurance ended from my old work. The voice mail said that they needed to talk to me right away about my "test results." Well... the datestamp was Wednesday and I hadn't been here until yesterday. So now I am worrying about what that could be. Until I had abstinence from food, I was also deep into my sexual addiction as well. I've been sober from sex addiction the same number of days as I have from food. Well.. I can't help but think that the test results are something to do with that. Instead of praying that I don't have a STD, Cancer, etc... I've been praying that God give me the strength to get through whatever it is... and to help me deal with the financial pressures this brings since I am between insurance. I am supposed to be getting student insurance, but financial aid hasn't come in yet. I don't even know if it would cover this.

I really am in a tough spot at the moment and I keep thinking about how I deserve something "nice" to eat. I've had red meat a bit more often than I used to and I am eating larger portions than I was. I didn't even notice really until the other night when I didn't really have much left to pack up or decline to pack up when I was out to eat with a friend. The problem is always dinner, never really breakfast or lunch, for which I eat the same thing everyday. (That reminds me... I need to go get yogurt and apples after work.)
How does one cope with this kind of thing? How does schedule interfere with OA and what do you do when there are no meetings that work around your non-moveable obligations like school and work? I have so much homework, that I haven't even gone to online meetings.

I just feel "out of it" and I hate it.

I am on Step 10...I try to read program literature daily - and still catch myself speaking poorly of others to make myself look "better" or like the "victim" of their actions. I've been pushing myself to think about this often, though my life is very hectic at the moment. I keep reminding myself of how far I've come and at the moment, it feels very empty. My other addiction surfaces and reminds me that I am lonely, which is rediculous... I am closer to my friends and family than I have ever been. I keep getting that nagging that noone loves me and that they won't if I don't work on my recovery. However, I am doing it and I can't make it go faster or I will break it, right? I just am missing the serenity I had when I didn't have so many obligations. (Most of the summer I didn't have to work at all.) When I catch myself in my character defects, I try so hard to acknowledge them as they happen. Sometimes, I just cry out of frustration because I know what I am feeling is harmful and I just can't articulate it.

I am getting better at recognizing my fears. Friday, I was supposed to have piano class, but I confused it with a later date when the class is cancelled. I checked the syllabus after running some errands and saw my mistake. I was embarassed. I didn't want the professor to know I'd made the mistake. I was willing to take the zero. As I sat and stared at the syllabus, I realized that there was still 10mins of class, and that I could at least get the handouts. At first, I thought of all the excuses I would tell her. But, when I got there, I braced myself and told her the truth. I messed up. I am not perfect. She just smiled and asked if I was available the next hour, because there was another class about to start and that I may sit in on it. It took 20 seconds to make things right. I'd spent 20-30 mins dreading and fearing what she would say. My fears can be petrifying and vague. My need to be seen as perfect, especially as a student, is very strong. It's so hard to admit that I am just human and ask for help. And when I do... I almost always get it. So why don't I realize that and stop being afraid?

mercredi, septembre 01, 2004

Do I have my hall pass?

Breakfast - apple/6oz yogurt Lunch - Sandwich/apple/baked doritos Dinner - (2)Ground Beef patty w/ cheese

What an amazing day.

It was the first day of class and I can't even express how much I enjoyed my time at school.

However, I am having program problems. I haven't been exercising like I used to and I haven't been journaling, keeping track of my food, etc... like I used to. I am sure I am still abstinent, as I've only done my 3 meals a day, but I just don't feel like I did during the summer when I was going to Curves everyday. Maybe now that I am in school and not working so much, things will be better.

I purchased my textbooks today. Over 500.00! I came home and looked them up online and was able to save about 30.00. I ordered them and will take back the ones I found. I also found out that you can sell your textbooks on They make an offer for your book and then you print a packing slip and label, which they pay for. I made about 40.00 that way. So.. today I saved 30, and made 40, so I am up 70.00 on where I started when I left school today.

OK.. I am going to take a nice shower, then finish up my French homework...well maybe. I was just doing work ahead.