Yet another soggy day

Breakfast - Oatmeal
Lunch - Leftoever Hamburger Helper

So I have been getting things around in order to apply for graduate school. I have decided to apply to the following schools, which have these deadlines:

The University of Virginia..................................... December 1, 2007
The University of Georgia..................................... January 1, 2008
Bowling Green State University............................ January 1, 2008
Michigan State University.................................... December 27, 2007
University of Arizona........................................... November 1, 2007
Indiana University............................................... January 15, 2008
University of Florida............................................ November 1, 2007

Bowling Green State University is really just my backup plan, though they seem to have a really good program and funding set up.

I sent letters to my professors today asking them to write my letters of recommendation, so the ball is rolling, as they say.

Soppy Monday

259

Breakfast: Oatmeal

So it is still raining, so I am not sure how that will affect going for my walk with Stacy today. I hope it brightens up before then.

I did absolutely nothing yesterday. Seriously. I slept until 11AM, then I watched TV and talked to Greg on the phone. I made tacos for lunch and had to go to the store to get sauce. Then, I watched TV the whole afternoon. Ate some of the taco stuff for dinner.

Later, Greg called, so while I was talking to him, I took a little walk, so that was kind of productive and he came over and watched a weird movie, Brother From another Planet with me. It was very slow paced, but interesting.

Anyway, this is going to be a very busy week. I have walking/trivia tonight. Tomorrow is the baseball game, wednesday is birthday activities and thursday is therapy. Things should actually be good.

Lazy Rainy Sunday

258.8

Breakfast - none
Lunch - 2 tacos 1 Reeses Klondike Bar
Dinner - Same as lunch

I had a lovely time last night going with Stacy and Dave to Whole Foods and IKEA. I really wasn't in the mood at the beginning, but it worked out.

Just wanted to log my food.... more tomorrow.

Samedi Stuff

Breakfast: Bacon Croissanwich, Hashbrowns
Lunch: Salad (Lettuce, turkey, cheese, bleu cheese dressing)

It has been a pretty busy morning. I got up before 7:00, did some laundry, watered the garden and ran around and did some errands. Not much to talk about right now. Just trying to decide what to do with the rest of the day.

Confidence Course

I found a confidence course on the BBC website of all places... so here goes the first offline exercise:

• Think about the ways in which greater confidence could be useful to you.



• Make a list of your five most important confidence aims.
• I want to sucessfully get the better of a bad habit.
• I want to be able to enter a room full of people and feel good about myself.
• I want to be able to feel like I make a good first impression.
• I want to be able to focus on my successes rather than my failures.
• I want to get more enjoyment out of social events where I meet new people.
  



• For each of these aims answer the following questions. (You might find it useful to print out our exercise sheet - click the link and then press 'control' and 'p' on your keyboard.)



• Why is this such an important aim?
If I am able to master my bad habits, I will not always feel so guilty about them.
It takes so much energy and causes so much anxiety when I worry about what other people think about me.
The first impression one makes determines the relationships, both professional and personal that are to follow an initial meeting.
Focusing on my successes gives me a reason to accept that I am worthy of my own respect.


• What makes achieving this aim difficult at the moment?
I don't feel like there is anything I can do to combat my current habits. I feel overwhelmed by them.
This is difficult because I think everyone is judging me based on my size. I really worry that people won't want to get to know me because of how I look.
Because of my weight and frumpy style of dress, I don't think my first impressions go over well at all, then I try too hard to win people over with my sense of humor.
I feel like my success is just luck and not a real reflection of who I am.


• What strengths do you have to help achieve this aim?
I like to plan and make lists.
I have the knowledge that most people are probably too interested in things other than me to take the time to judge me the way I am constantly judging myself.
I am actually an attractive person with an interesting personality.
I have done many interesting things and have attained a great deal of accomplishments.


• What direct action can you start taking to work towards this aim?
  I can put reminders in my calendar/website/blog.
  Work on accepting myself as I am, rather than some nebulous idea of what I think others are looking for.
  I can stop constantly putting myself in the other person's perspective. I shouldn't care what they are thinking about me on such a shallow level.
  I can give myself credit for my accomplishments and respect the effort I made to attain them.
  

How do you change your mind about someone?

This is a real challenge. I have to learn how to like myself, because I really don't.

People say you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else, but that can't be true. I love my Dad. I love my niece and nephews. In a weird way I love my Mom and Sister. I have loved boyfriends and I have been loved back. I have friends who must love me as they have been around for years despite my very lax correspondence.

However, I am guessing that by not loving myself, it makes me look to outside affirmation of my value. I imagine that has to be exhausting.

So... I have to start working on this. How? I mean, if I say anything nice about myself, I feel like I am being conceited. I don't want to come off as full of myself. If I can't say nice things about myself to other people and mean it, how can I convince myself of my good qualities?

Was I really confident at some point in my life and in the process of being taken down a peg by someone, I just fell all the way to the floor?

Self help books on confidence improvement just seem so goofy. When other people say nice things about me, I blush and do the "aww shucks" routine.

What is the right balance of confidence and humility? How do you get there?

My therapist says I am supposed to say something nice about myself everyday. However, I have a really hard time doing that.

So... here goes:

I have accomplished a great deal since going back to school. It takes a certain amount of bravery and tenacity to maintain the grades I have.

I am a faucet

263
Breakfast - BEC biscuit, hashbrowns
Lunch - Chef Salad
Dinner - Subway Sandwich and Baked Lays


No, that isn't some surrealist non-sequiter. I literally have become a faucet. I have been experiencing some serious crying jags during this cycle. Everything makes me well up. Anyway, therapy was good last night. Talked about lots o' stuff. Cried tons.

My birthday is on Wednesday. One question... why ask me what I want, if you are too busy to do anything about it? Should I have just asked for money?

Excited about Greg's plans for Tuesday. He is taking me to a Toledo Mudhens game. That should be really fun!

I need to wake up. I feel like I am trying to run in water.

Jeudi

261.3
Breakfast - Oatmeal
Lunch - Beef Fried Rice
Dinner - Salad (Lettuce, Turkey, Croutons, Cheese, Bleu Cheese Dressing)

Well, it is a week until my birthday. Whoopie. I am just tired today. It isn't because I have been expending any energy. I guess it is inertia.

I have been organizing and deciding what to do with my schedule this fall. I think I have it ironed out to have minimal Genevieve contact and interesting topics to explore. However, it will be piles of reading. I need to find a place where I can be comfortable and read without getting antsy. I need a recliner in a place that is climate controlled. There are no couches or recliners at the library... so that is out.

On the up side of things, I went to trivia with Stacy and Dave on Monday night and that was GREAT! I had a fantastic time and I am so glad I went.

On the down side of things, I was updating my website and saw a picture of me from a recent event at my Dad's house. I am HUGE. It is really depressing. I was so glad that I hadn't gained any weight, but now it doesn't feel like an accomplishment at all. It seems to have colored my whole attitude today.

Aunt Teresa Rules!

263
Breakfast - Bowl of "Smart Start" a few cherries

I picked up Michael yesterday and we had KFC for dinner. Good work, that goes well with the chinese I had for lunch.

Anyway, he seems excited by the prospect of earning some money doing chores. However, he has yet to do any! I feel bad having him sleep on the living room floor in a sleeping bag, but I guess it isn't that bad. I had to do worse camping when I was his age!

He has enjoyed running around campus. I let him get a little tour with Edward, our student assistant. Now he is at the student center picking up our lunch. I gave him a 20.00 bill we will see what I get back.

He just got back. He got himself KFC AND Subway! I guess growing boys are hungry.

Mardi

262
Breakfast: BEC Biscuit, Hashbrowns

So yesterday I went on my walk with Stacy at County Farm Park, which was very nice. I am very fortunate to have such a tenacious friend who helps to dislodge me from my mundane, sedentary existence. She suggested that I start going to trivia with her husband, Dave, on Monday nights, so I rearranged some things and am going to make that happen. It should be fun.

Tonight after work I am running out to Mason to pick up Michael. He is staying with me until Sunday night. We should have a good time. Nothing makes you feel better than hanging out with someone who just loves you for being you. (Aunt Teresa is my favorite persona!)

I talked to Jill for a while last night as well. Again, I am really lucky to have her as a friend. We have been through so much in these last 6 years. I have seen her grow and go through some life altering events. She has helped me through the same. I just wish we could both be in Jazzercise together again!! I need to find a copy of Ave Maria so that I can sing it at her wedding. I am sure it will be beautiful. I love that she asked me to sing. It will be the first time that someone has asked me to do something like that even though for all these years people always said I sing well. Leave it to Jill to have the confidence in me that others (including myself) do not.

My assignment this week is to write letters to my sister, Mom and Stepfather, saying exactly what I'd like to get off my chest even though they will never see the letters. It is similar to the "making amends" exercise I did while in OA. However, it is not me saying I am sorry, but rather expressing the anger and bad sentiment I carry around for my family. I suppose if I get it all out, I can maybe let it go. We will see.

Also, I am supposed to think of ways that I can start to like myself. This is really really hard. I don't like myself at all and just deciding to doesn't seem to do the trick. The little first steps are to compliment myself once each day, so here goes: I am a great teacher. I can explain anything in a way that someone else can understand it whether they have experience in the topic or not.

That wasn't too hard. :) However, my teaching ability isn't anything I have doubts about. We will see if I can regain confidence in other facets of my life.

This used to work, lets try it again

264
Breakfast - 1 Activa yogurt, pineapple
Lunch - BLT, Salt and Vinegar chips

So, long time no blog. A great deal changes in 2 years. I obviously gained about 40 pounds. I spent a school year in France. I almost never exercise. I binge from time to time. I have become an out and proud atheist. College is almost over. Only 2 more semesters left. Most of this stuff ends up on my website, which explains why the blog isn't up to date.

However, I think I would like to start blogging again. It was a good way to get out some stream of consciousness rambling, which may have helped me in the past.

I am still seeing the same guy who took me to see Al Gore speak about the time I stopped posting here before.

I am planning to go to graduate school after I finish my BA. Where? I haven't decided yet. I am currently studying for the GRE in preparation to send in my applications.

Regardless... nice to see you again, blog. I promise to come back soon.